Taser Classic... Funny email I was sent... :)

[Guardian]

Taser Classic...don't tell me you can read this without laughing...
(Only a guy would do this!) A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket
Taser for their anniversary submitted this :

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be
short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea
is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to
retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in
two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button
AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the
blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and
I'd know it was working.

Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with
this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with
only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my
cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was
reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this
thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought
about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of
it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to
my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance
that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided
to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched
the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD,
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a
taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... that
hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left,
sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the
mantel of the fireplace. How did they end up there??? My triceps, right
thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had
been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still
looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their
safe return.

Still in shock, Earl